We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
