I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
