I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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