i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
