Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
