I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
