I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
