This is not my ceiling
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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