if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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