The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
