people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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