running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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