return my video game
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
