I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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