i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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