i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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