I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
