we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
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Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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