i just google imaged poop.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
