Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
