You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
