I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
