So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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