im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
