it was like his penis was on wheels.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
