I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
