I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i think i have two assholes
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
