Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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