I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
