i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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