friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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