i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
