I CAN MOONWALK!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
