I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
COCAINE IS GR8
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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