I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
