I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
