I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
