I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
