I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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