I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
