There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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