I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
