If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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