I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They took my balls.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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