My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
