Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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