They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
