Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
