They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
