I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
