he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
