I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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