I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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