I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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