thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
