she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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