How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
