We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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