Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
