Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
