Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
