That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
